June 25th, 2020

books on my head

Day 102: Skipping from day 16 to 102 is the true quarantine experience

I don't need to blog, but I feel the need to ramble.

I haven't shared anything on this blog because the past few months have been a prolonged exercise in reforming boundaries. I lost the walls between days, between my actual self and what I said and did on social media, between my feelings and my thoughts. It is stupid, it was avoidable, but it is still what happened.

So as soon as I noticed it happening, I started taking the time to be more mindful and present. Yikes, psych words! They seem trite, but after December, I have had to be more careful. I am very lucky to have the space to do that. Other people do not have the luxury of stepping away from their realities. Took a week or so. Then I started working again. Helping where I can, building what I can so that I could anchor myself. There hasn't been much done, and the current of events has been very strong. Thankfully other people have stronger foundations and are willing to share. I ape what good I see, say less, do more because I don't trust the borders between the doom in my head and the doom outside of it. I do not want to worsen the worst with my own trifling brain problems.

If everything is bad then why must we bother trying to do good, "In reality, while we aim for excellence, we're always living on somebody's dunghill," TPK by Jo Walton, but the desire for what is right must come from within. The walls were weak so I could not find that desire under everything I had taken in, I could only find the dumb animal need for comfort and for lashing out, those always float to the surface so easily.

I have written "I" a lot. I'll ramble off now, to do what I can.