Hope Swann (coffeebased) wrote,
Hope Swann

Day 5: Little and Large

Last night I did what I said I would. I listened to the last ten episodes of the first season of The Magnus Archive. It was wild, and I was sad that I had been spoiled for some of the story beats. My girlfriend told me some of them because I didn't think I'd get into the podcast, and I've seen quite a bit of fanart floating around on social. I've told her not to tell me any more spoilers.

The first season ended with a lovely little Q&A with the creators of TMA, and it really made me want to continue on to the next season. But I'll save that for Saturday.

It was my turn to wake up late today. I think that I must've drunk my meds too late, so I was dopey and drowsy until I woke up properly at nine in the morning. Consequently, I had to push back my entire day.

I was annoyed about it for a few minutes and then remembered that as long as I finished all water-related tasks before 1600, it really didn't matter. I am allowed to be flexible. I don't have a boss or an overseer. Unlike my friends and the millions of people who have to work from home, I don't have a job right now.

So I shouldn't really beat myself up about it. I assume that that's what my psych would say. Sometimes, I can still hear his voice, ala Brother Bear.

Jokes aside, cognitive behavioural therapy, the non-risque CBT, has really helped me these past few years. My psych's taught me to identify when the things in my head are irrational, not factual, or bad for me. Or all of the above. Upon identification, I have to reframe my thinking. If it's irrational, what is the rational complement of that thought? If it's false, why should I listen to it? If it's bad for me, why do I think I deserve to be treated badly?

Most days it's easy. The bullshit my brain produces smells, I laugh at it and send it on its way. The rest of the time, I need help. I cannot differentiate between good thoughts or bad thoughts. I cannot separate them. I do not value myself enough. My limitations are my identity, and I have no purpose in the world. The world has enough problems, how dare I continue to burden it with my petty bullshit and incompetence. How selfish I am, to want anything good for myself, anything soft, any kindness. Any love.

That's what the meds are for! And seeing my psych, and slowly building up my tolerance to my own thoughts. I have bipolar disorder as well, so there are moments that the highs make the lows worse? Like when I remember how well things went previously I get disgusted that I bothered to enjoy myself and interact with other people. How dare I?

Anyway, so I reframed, realised that in the greater scheme of things messing up my own invented schedule is extremely low-risk, and I allowed myself to move on.

So today is a good day!

Mum and I got to do the laundry we weren't able to do yesterday, and they're all drying outside in the sunshine. It's 1700 right now, so I think they should be mostly dry. I also got to do some indoor cycling while watching an Animal Crossing: New Horizons video about choosing which map would be the best for your playstyle and a little of Critical Role's 99th episode, High Seas and High Stakes.

Critical Role is an actual play Dungeons and Dragons series on Twitch that also airs on Youtube. It's been running for several years now, they celebrated their fifth anniversary in the episode I linked up there, and are on their second long-running campaign. New episodes usually come out every Thursday night, 2000 PST, which is 10 or 11AM our time depending on DST. I say usually because this week the cast and company of Critical Role are staying at home because of COVID-19, so there won't be a new episode tomorrow. I'm glad that they're keeping safe.

Got a few messages from my friends and family about COVID-19. One from a friend saying that a doctor from his province had just come from a meeting with the Department of Health regarding using dengue test kits to test for COVID-19. He told me this and also shared a link from Lancet, which can be seen here in case anyone wants to read it.

I shared it with a few other people I know, medical doctors and scientists, asking if they'd heard anything about it. One of my colleagues from university told me that the University of the Philippines National Institute of Molecular Biology is recruiting laboratories and scientists so that they can increase testing labs. Here's a Google form that'll help anyone qualified and interested in helping get in touch with them.

In less rarefied messages, my aunt and mum have gotten messages from their friends. These messages are anecdotes about the looting of grocery stores, as well as cars being held up by men on scooters, or children waylaying vehicles. The tita Facebook pony express is going strong during this quarantine. And making me anxious.

Time for merienda.
Tags: anxiety, bd, cbt, critical role, depression, quarantine blogging, the magnus archive

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